… That I don’t know.
For most of my life, I feel like I’ve known a lot. From my earliest memories, I had instances where I knew what people were feeling. And, as a kid, I “got” a lot of what I was being taught in school. Other kids would ask me for help, and I’d be like, “Well, the teacher explained it really well, and I am able to solve the problems, I’m not sure I’d do it any better.” Granted, that shows I had a hard time explaining things I know and understand in a different way. And, this still exists today. But, to be fair, it’s really effective if someone asks you for help that they give you some guidance into where they get lost. And, in saying that, I’m realizing that my blog name is quite appropriate because a great way to find out where someone gets lost is taking things one step at a time.
Most of my life, though, when it comes to the emotional experiences. The times I felt lost. There was a lot I did know. I knew the areas of my life where I felt insecure or unstable. I knew people who I didn’t feel comfortable around. Or, even people I felt alright around, but felt like there were some things they didn’t want to talk about. All those kinds of things.
I’d go see counsellors and I’d share my emotions, and usually they say something that it feels like I already know. I love counsellors, though. It’s great to have someone to be completely vulnerable with. That in itself is immensely powerful.
I’d go see tarot readers and the cards they’d pull were things I already knew.
It often has felt like I’d get told things I had already felt within myself. Throughout my life I’ve known what my fears were, and they’re common ones. So, I took steps to prove they were just my imagination. Like public speaking. As a five year old, I was so deathly shy it was hard to speak to anyone but my mom. So, as I got older I told myself I’d be able to speak in front of people. I remember being in a youth conferences and they’d pass a mic around and asked us kids to say something they learned, or something they enjoyed. I think the first time I really tried to be honest, I cried. So, the next time I was like, “Just say one sentence, and don’t cry, and you’re a success!” So, I spoke, said one sentence, and I didn’t cry, YAY! But, I still felt pretty embarrassed and exposed. I just hid my face (which you can get away with as a kid as a normal response… phew!). So, the next time I told myself, “Don’t cry, and stay chill after, seriously, nobody is looking at you.” So, I spoke. Didn’t cry. Looked around, nobody was looking at me strange… So, I felt comfortable. I got to realize, it wasn’t as scary as I made it seem. I realized that people really aren’t too concerned if you make a mistake when you speak in public. That’s what a lot of people reflect on after. Weird stuff like, “Oh my god, I said way too many “ums.” And, I say “weird” because a lot of the time, they said something really amazing. And, nobody noticed the “ums” they said throughout their speech. They were too busy being emotionally moved.
I like explaining myself through story. Because when you’re someone who (this is gonna be like a catchphrase it feels like) carries that thinking, “Tell me something I don’t know” you can come across as a know-it-all. And, it also can come across as I just woke up with resolve one day, out of the blue, to accomplish something, and that I did, overnight. So, in the public speaking example, it actually took years to overcome. I just decided to overcome it super young, so when I was 17 or 18 and decided I had wanted to be able to speak in hopes of helping grieving people feel some sense of peace even though they suffered a great loss – I did just that. I had a few people tell me that what I said was really beautiful.
So, when I experienced a lot of instances where I felt like I kept getting told things I already knew. I got really frustrated with myself. Because, I felt like I had a lot of solutions to a lot of problems, but it just took time, or commitment. And then, I just kind of felt more annoyed with myself because it’s like, “I know I need to work, be patient, and commit. I can definitely commit, but can someone guide me, just a little?” Then, I decided to start saying, “Maybe I don’t know something.” That honestly took a lot of wind out of my sails. Unfortunately, I spent a while letting myself say/try to believe that. It was a dumb choice for me. Because, part of saying that is that I could be wrong. I feel like I’m pretty in tune with myself. So, I feel like that’s a betrayal to myself to think that I don’t know myself. Ya feel me? My internal guidance system has been pretty damn good. Even the tragic things I could see why I was lead to them. I think my biggest struggle is that I’ve felt so attuned to others and their needs, and would do what I could to help meet them, but people (even if they knew what my needs were) wouldn’t meet mine. I was suffering and they wouldn’t (or couldn’t) help me. And, my own thinking that I shouldn’t need peoples’ help was the reason behind a lot of that. That being said, because I know so much about myself, and because I do want to be open that there’s something I don’t know, and because I do want help. I am making a point to say, “Tell me something I don’t know that I don’t know.” Because I feel like that honours that I do know myself really well. But, I’m also open to help and guidance from another person. That I can be lead to a book or some sort of new information on the internet. Or, that I can receive that knowledge through epiphanies, or dreams, what have you.
When I write blogs like these, I feel like they’re extremely self-centred. That I am really strange. That people think it’d be odd that I find my self-awareness to be an actual struggle with living, sometimes. And, the fact that I don’t even want to make it a negative thing. I just don’t want to become arrogant in thinking I know everything. I also need to be open to help. I know I’ve limited that understanding to needing help with childcare, or money, or chores, etc. But, I am open, now, to the idea that there might be something that I don’t know that I don’t know.