How my thinking works

So, I called this blog “one at a time” because the way we make lasting changes is to do things one at a time. But, also, how we change our beliefs can be accomplished by observing them one at a time. I’m not saying I’m a successful thinker, per se. But I’ve uncovered a lot of answers throughout my life by thinking like this.

 

I’m not sure why self-loathing is such a debilitating feeling but it is.
The idea that that’s even a real thing is bizarre!
Like. How is it even possible that we hate ourselves?
What strange cosmic creator decided that’s even a thing?
It’s also like dying from sadness. What?
Why did we think these thoughts. Ever?
 
And, then, we decided. Let’s make a world where people DO hate themselves and are conscious of it and wonder if they’ll die from sadness….
 
BUT ALSO, let’s make people who DON’T know what that feels like.
 
Why did we do this to ourselves? Why did we create a world where we can feel so misunderstood?
 
And, if you feel inclined to answer. And if your answer is “contrast.” Then that’s not an answer. It’s an answer but it’s a shallow answer.
 
No. It’s like answering the question
“Why do I like fluffy kitties?”
With stuff like, “Because they’re sooooo adorable!” Of course they are and that’s why we all love them.
Or, “Because of the chemical reaction it creates in the brain.”
Of course, and we all have chemical reactions of love in our brain to various things. Congratulations you haven’t explored the question.
 
A REAL answer is something like, “Fluffy kitties make me feel ____”
Words that come to mind are “Safe”… to which we can conclude someone who answered as such had a feeling of feeling unsafe, and the cat brought them wholeness. And there would likely be a story behind that.
 
“Playful” sounds kind of obvious, but not everyone’s playful, so it’s not really. At least not to me. I’m not playful.
 
I’m not exactly desiring an answer to this question. And, honestly, I acknowledge you for reading this if you did. I just had to observe my thoughts. Because, you know, that’s how they say you don’t get sucked into them. Emotionally. How you avoid a spiral.
 
But, I wanted to share, which is why I had to tell people if they wanna answer they need to have an answer of meaning. It has to come from your heart.
 
I just know, we experience pain, sometimes, to know what we don’t want… I’d like to know better what I DO want. I’ve wanted peace for a long time. But, that’s, I think, really easy. It’s easy to feel peace when death doesn’t scare you. I mean we all have an ego that fears death when it gets super close. But, I believe in reincarnation. I believe that death is freedom from pain. I know I’ll come back after I die. I know I could potentially be anything from an eagle to a piece of fabric in a carpet. I know that being a human is the ultimate learning experience in this universe. The one with the most contrast. I know that we resist what is and that’s what causes the most suffering in this world and that most people are resisting what is. That most people are suffering. I know that a lot of people are in denial of that and I know that some days that upsets me and I wonder how I can help get people out of denial. But, I know that I do hate myself a lot which is why I don’t do something so I can make money or some sort of living off this desire to help others’ end their suffering. I also think I’ll mess them up instead of make them better. That’s a weird thing, too.
 
I’m also aware I feel really comfortable in my head a lotta the times. I mean, a lotta the times it’s uncomfortable, too. But, when I’m in a flow like this it’s kinda nice. Cuz I’m detached from the emotion.
 
I know some people would read some of this stuff and make it sad. I’m not making it sad, right now. I’m observing it. I think I need to do it. Otherwise it just ferments in my head.
 
I’m sure things are encouraged to be changed. But, honestly…. the next step is to just try and live outside of my head. So. Congratulate me if I manage to eat decently today :). One green leafy vegetable is a huge win in my books.
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