Oral history and legacies

My peoples are described as keeping an oral history. Since my youth I had to think about why we lived the way we lived…. Colonialism and colonial education insists there are superior and inferior cultures. My youth was spent decolonizing aka deprogramming colonial ideas and concepts. This was very important to me because colonialism insists that my peoples – aka my family – are defeated peoples. It insists I am a defeated person. Colonialism wanted me to be born thinking I was defeated. I was able to see lots of evidence of that… but a piece of me would always refuse to believe it, as well. Because if winning = abducting children, abusing them, starving them, segregating and dividing people… this is no world any human being wants to live in. Nobody is happy with the state of the world. Be it racism, poverty, dying animal species, dying plant species. Nobody wants this.

I come from people whose rivers flowed so abundant of salmon they could walk on the salmons backs. So plentiful of ducks, they blackened out the sun when they’d fly. They never needed to wish for anything, because they had more than enough of everything they needed. That includes from the land, but also sophisticated trade systems.

Who wouldn’t have wanted to live in my ancestors’ world? People were healthy, honest… our first rule was to be kind. We could drink from creeks. Our architecture allowed us to have homes warm and strong enough to be a permanent dwelling, but also portable enough to move to our winter and summer villages. We had forests full of ancient cedars, and meadows of beautiful flowers whose bulbs were edible and attracted enough bees to create a deafening hum, and butterflies must’ve blanketed the ocean sprays and nettles.

Colonial history has been written down, and tells stories of winners, and losers. Usually naming British people as victorious. Killing and raping people does not equal a victory. It’s a shameful history. Anyone with a conscience will have to accept that truth. I learned what colonialism valued in school, Egypt, Mesopotamia… the Pyramids, I’ve been told, were built to glorify the Pharaohs. In a colonial mindset, this taught me, if someone could “build” – in quotations because these Pharaohs didn’t build anything themselves, slaves did – something large that lasted for centuries… that is what greatness is. In a colonial mindset my people are then inferior because we didn’t create things to be built to last forever. On the contrary, we actually preferred our building materials to be disposable. Everything we made could and would eventually breakdown into soil. Today there are shell midden evidence of my peoples. Marks on some rock walls. But we are largely oral historians. So what did that teach me? When I was decolonizing and deprogramming from the rape culture mindset, I asked myself, “Who did manage to be remembered?” We have stories of ancestors who were warriors. We have stories even older than that of people who the Creator or the Transformers turned to stone, from human beings to animals, to always be remembered. I was like, “Omg I hope I’m never turned to stone. I don’t want to teach people for an eternity!” Lol. People were turned to stone either for being a good example or a bad example. I was honestly always so conscious that the creator could always show up and change me, so I’d pray to be good and kind enough that if the creator FORCED me to be an example, then hopefully I’d be a good one. I knew that was less than likely, but it did teach me, that any human being can be remembered through oral history, and they could be remembered negatively or fondly. That still put a bit of pressure on me. I looked to the stories I grew up learning. An ancestor of mine was remembered because he killed a two-headed serpent. The powers he gained from killing it allowed him to harvest animals for meat without using a weapon to kill them. He could fight battles and take out whole groups of people, and more. Another ancestor was remembered because he went to live with seals, that gave him powers too, but he seemed to have considered humans to be stink when he came back. But more recent history. My great-grandfather was the first Grand Chief of Canada. My great great grandma saved people from the Gas town fire, my other great grandmother resisted being removed from her home on the land where Park Royal mall is today.

One day, I’m sure my Great Grandfather will be forgotten… and so will the old people and what they did to make sure I had a better life. I’ve weeped about this on many occasions as a child. It’s not because our people have completely stopped the oral history, but we instead remember the history of the Kardashians and the Jersey Shore. I’m sure many ppl still remember The Hills and The Simpson’s episodes. But do they know family history? If we lose that history are we a defeated people? Maybe? Or. Maybe my ancestors had a wisdom. That should we ever come across a time where we face incredible trauma that interferes with the passing on of ancient history of times when our ancestors lived underground, and when our first people came down from the sky, and lightning gave us ceremonial masks. That if we couldn’t pass that on, it was for a reason. Like it or not, one of the first things I was ever taught was, “Everything happens for a reason.” I know it’s horrifying when thinking of the genocidal spread of small pox, the spread of tuberculosis, and the flu wiping out thousands upon thousands of my ancestors… and for the survivors of those great losses being treated as less than human right from the beginning… in their times of great grief and sorrow, they were introduced to Rum. In their grief and drunken state women were likely raped. Men manipulated into agreements they never would’ve made sober, and in a good emotional place. How many people do you know today who have sunken into a horrifying depression after the death of one family member, or a best friend? What self-abusive acts did they commit while grieving and drunk? Imagine the horror my ancestors felt in that grief and alcohol was brand new? Imagine, plenty of people were actually clean and sober and trying to help their relatives heal, And imagine before they could even come out of that grief their children being taken away to residential school? All that happened for a reason, you must be asking with rage or a sense of powerlessness. My elders told me, yes. It’s true. And, as far as I know my grandmothers, my great-grand mothers and great-great grandmothers would’ve believed this to be true. They’re the ones who lived through it, and they’re the reason why I’m alive today. They’re the reason why I know my precolonial history. To survive what they survived meant something. I may not remember the names of all my great grandparents and I still don’t even honestly know my great great grandparents’ names very well either. But, I do remember what people told me about them.

“They were sooooo kind. They were sooooo strong. They were sooooo powerful.”

When I’d hear those words it’d bring tears to my eyes. I wanted to see their eyes, and know the touch of their hands – it must’ve been like my great grandma Caroline’s who always had the most loving smile when she saw me, and my grandma’s loving smile when she saw me. I use to touch the wrinkles on my grandma’s face. And her elbows. I was fascinated with skin apparently lol. My ancestors, they must have had those same eyes and smiles as my grandma and great grandma. But from what I was told their prayers were strong and one great grandmother or great great grandmother was a dream interpreter. I believe if anyone needed to know something they’d ask the elders what to do. For ceremonies, for harvesting medicines. They were libraries worth of knowledge. And much was lost with them. It sounds like, if that knowledge was lost my people must not be successful, doesn’t it? But no. My history has taught me that kindness and generosity is the way we are supposed to live. Materialistic ways are harmful to not just the environment but ourselves. If we are consumed by consuming we are not busy doing what actually would make us full – relating. That’s probably why I like Facebook. Trauma makes it hard for me to relate with people on the level I’d like to. So I try to share on here. But what I was also taught is that we can always access the wisdom of our elders. If we pray. If we live in a good way. We don’t have to lose anything. Today, the First Peoples’ Cultural Council does not refer to languages as “Endangered.” They call them, “sleeping languages.” And my grandmother would say that when I was a child. Our language isn’t dying, it’s just asleep, waiting for people to wake it up. Today the Sḵwx̱wú7mesh language – which my grandma spoke – is waking up. In her beliefs if she said it was dying, we were essentially killing it. Thank the creator for my grandmother in so many ways. She was a generous woman who was almost kind to a fault. But, I wouldn’t be who I am without her. If I didn’t get to see her and her kind example in my life, if I didn’t have those stories telling me people are remembered either as a good example or a bad example, I wouldn’t feel so responsible for learning how to be as kind, soft, and forgiving as she was. I never heard her say an unkind word. She never got mad at me or my sisters. Just once she got upset with us for being – guess? – unkind. I felt so bad for upsetting her, but I knew she’d forgive me, which made me wish to be a better person who she’d be proud of. One thing I feel like my grandma would do sometimes that made me sad, was that she’d very subtley imply she wasn’t too educated and didn’t know how to spell some things. And she’d feel bad she didn’t remember things sometimes. But, my grandma was honestly a genius with her kindness and devotion to her children and grandchildren and how she taught our cultural values. I feel honoured to remember her right now. That’s how it goes with my people. We feel like we’re never as strong or as kind as our elders were. “The old people were soooo strong.” No matter where I go on the coast. No matter what generation, “The old people were soooo strong.” We never feel we measure up. But, we have that same wisdom in our bones. We have that same strength. We will learn it in different ways. We will learn from books. Because some of our elders did share our language or culture or history with anthropologists and linguists and ethnobotanists. Revitalization is happening. But when it comes to legacies, we will forget. We will forget names. We will forget stories. Those who are remembered are honestly just kind of lucky. They’re lessons. How many people want to be lessons for others? In some ways I think maybe it’s better to be forgotten. But the legacy of kindness, of generosity, of compassion when someone was struggling. That lives on. That makes the world a better place. My grandma taught me kindness and forgiveness. My great grandma taught me compassion and bravery. My other great grandma taught me the importance of standing up for the future generations and protecting the land. Relatives I’ve not mentioned yet? My grandfather taught me doing what’s right despite the sacrifices… and building yourself up when you’ve got nothing. My grandma taught me the importance of working just as hard, if not harder, than your husband in doing what needs to be done despite the sacrifices you need to make. My great grandfather taught me how to beat colonizers at their own game. My ancestor taught me the importance of purifying the body and spirit to connect to the land for wisdom and guidance…. but also a lesson about holding grudges – the pros and cons of high standards of loyalty. My other ancestor taught me that if you go live with another species and learn their ways you’ll be disgusted with humans, at least for a while. I always suspected a piece of him never entirely got over that disgust.

I’m telling you all this now. But you may forget in the future. But there’s a chance I’ll teach you some of these things in my own way. Through my actions. And you might be inspired to pass on something to your children, or maybe you’ll unlearn some colonial thinking and that is where the memory of me will live. You have given me some sort of kindness or knowledge and I’m going to carry it on in how I work or what I teach and hopefully my kids will learn too. And these are the legacies we leave with one another. May we be humble people who are ok if we are good and bad lessons for another. And I pray our whole species learns forgiveness and grace of those who forgave us gracefully.


Default Programming in Identity

There’s no default identity, so people are creating language to support the fluidity of identity. People are uncomfortable with the notion, because they THINK identity has been engrained for centuries. That’s not true. Our societies and cultures are much more diverse than we give them credit for. And, people who have been marginalized and oppressed did manage to exist and thrive despite living in oppressive societies. They’re often described as living in fringe cultures, but if you’re immersed in a culture it doesn’t always feel like it’s so strange. It can feel small, at times, but it can always expand. We’re allowed to take up space. And, very often this “default identity” people think is the “norm” or “average” experiences discomfort that they’re not the dominant identity. Even people who fall for the brainwashing that there’s a dominant, normal, average identity will uphold and defend the constructs that give this identity power. And they’ll sacrifice their own power just to give it to this default identity. But, it’s very unnecessary. When a default identity takes a foothold of power it often wants to keep its power, and they think if people stop giving them their power they’ll have no power. It’s wrong.

We can all have power and exist in harmony. We don’t need to make others powerless to have power for ourselves.

Revisiting, “Our Women Are Dying”

I wrote this prose in one day. I was in a workshop called “PVX” which was an acronym for Pacific Voices Xchange. This project brings together youth whose ancestry hails from Pacific Peoples. All people whose ancestors would have lived on the pacific ocean. If you come to understand how much time Coastal peoples actually spent on their canoes and in the water, you’ll understand that when I say, “lived on,” I really mean they were living on the water in terms of how they spent their day. However, of course, their homes were situated on the land, very often close to the beach, in the case of my Coast Salish ancestors. I was participating in two workshops actually, PVX, and a Native Plant workshop in Songhees Nation. I had to run between the two – I’d go to one in the morning, and one in the afternoon. So, I believe on the day I wrote this poem, I ran from Songhees to UVIC – where PVX was being held – and I was like, “Ok, cool what are we doing? Writing? Ok!” I put on my “Deep Focus” playlist from Spotify, and I just started writing.
I was typing and typing and typing. On the very laptop I’m typing this email out on right now. I didn’t stop, and my fellow workshop participants and the Facilitator – Janet Rogers – all noticed that I just was in flow when writing this prose.
Some messages that I hope get across.
Indigenous people have many negative stereotypes. Very often we are classified alcoholics, and as all being on welfare. It’s important to understand the systemic oppression that creates not just the stereotype but also the lived experience of alcoholism and welfare. First, I haven’t met a Canadian who isn’t a proud alcoholic. I’m serious. Be it the wine one consumes, or the beers one consumes, usually at a hockey game. But, really, it’s seen as an expectation for people to have everyday of their lives. “Open Bars” at weddings. An evening glass of wine. When I was in high school, and I was 15 years old, that was the first time I had alcohol, and there was plenty of – mostly white – students who were like, “Wow, good for you for waiting that long. I started when I was 13.” I thought it bizarre to hear that from another teenager. All that being said, the difference for me as an Indigenous person vs. those who would call my people, “Chugs” or “Welfare bums” is that they likely would drink a lot more. I didn’t have alcohol in my house, but so much western media is based on the concept that young white children have their first sip of alcohol because they snuck into their parents’ liquor cabinet. Who owns a liquor cabinet?!? Who owns furniture specifically for liquor?!
It makes you ask a lot of questions. To me, what this stereotype of Indigenous people is a projection of the mainstream society of the embedded shame of colonial culture and drinking. It feels better for the racist to project a hatred for alcoholism onto Native people rather than look at oneself and one’s drinking habits.
Also, what often comes with alcohol consumption?
Violence. Violence against who? Usually women, or children. And statistically, Indigenous women and girls.
So, for people holding onto this shame and creation of alcohol as evil or the consumption of alcohol a sign of weakness, it’s really a mask, and using Indigenous people as a scapegoat, for all the violence that alcohol creates in our society. Consider the riots that have come from hockey games, or football games. Consider the violence that proliferates after hockey games being watched in pubs across a city. Imagine how many more rapes happen because of alcohol. Imagine how many men do violent things they wouldn’t do while sober, but find out they’ve done something terrible while drunk. It’s too hard for people to look at – though #MeToo is forcing this conversation to happen as of late.
Violence also presents itself  in the form of domestic violence, or through “man camps.” “Man Camps” are places that are created with industry. Usually in the oil fields, but also with things like the shipping industry. Indigenous women and girls are often sought after as prostitutes. They’re considered easy pray. This is because of poverty.
This prose wants to show that indeed Indigenous women are STILL being killed, just as they have been since the beginning of colonization – which I hope the imagery shows.
However, I do want people to remember that Indigenous women survive and thrive.
Even those that many consider to be struggling.
How many people can say they’ve survived the worst violences known to mankind? Unfortunately, many Indigenous women have. And many Indigenous women manage to be kind through it. And they manage to help others. And they manage to help bring visibility to those who our society tries to erase. And they have children, and raise them. They have creative careers and grow as artists. They become academics and acquire their masters. And they do this, so often, with a prayer in their hearts, minds, and wombs. Especially the womb, because that is the place that colonialism tried so hard to damage through rape, forced sterilizations, and the shaming of feminine qualities. However, there’s a softness within many Indigenous women, that helps them find success in their lives. Some may struggle their whole life, or for a portion of their life, with some sort of so-called shameful history with addiction or otherwise. But, I’ve had the fortune to see many, many powerful Indigenous women. And, yes, some may even die before their time, and it’s truly a loss to our communities. But, I still admire them for being so kind and loving or even having hope to grow and change considering all the violence we’ve experienced, or fear to experience in our lifetimes.
Our society wants Indigenous women to be ashamed, and afraid for our lives. So, I acknowledge all the powerful moments of Indigenous women. How they’ve brought people together through art, marches, dinners, feasts, ceremony, family, and I’m sure much more. I admire them for every second of self-love they allow themselves to have. I also acknowledge how much many – not all – of us still value men, despite how much responsibility men have for our trauma. I know that I personally just want our men to feel it’s possible to heal. I want to feel safe among them. When I was a kid, my experience is that we all played together. It was rare that girls ONLY played with girls, or that boys ONLY played with boys. Often, things split up because of interests, but at least half of our playtime was about all genders coming together to play. Our Coast Salish youth soccer tournaments are always co-ed. And, girls are seen as strong as, and if it is the case, stronger than the boys. Gender is less of an issue in the way we raise our children and youth. And, I see the comradery still today with some friendship groups. So, of course we still love and value men. They’re our brothers. Our cousins. Our best friends. We played soccer, or basketball with them. And they treated us like a friend/cousin.
We need to change the narrative that colonialism created, which is that the Indians were disappearing. They tried so hard to nail that message into everyones’ heads, but really we are doing so much good in the world. Many Indigenous women are leaders of movements long before you even knew it was a movement. They were lone women standing on a mountaintop leading the way, with a prayer in their heart. Your politics and spiritual movements are all things Indigenous people, usually women, were fighting for as a lone voice. So, I acknowledge that strength and perservance as well. And, I like to think that even though often those women felt like their words fell on deaf ears, the ancestors were listening. They carried her voice in the wind and some stranger heard it and decided to do something about it. She planted a seed, and a someone came and saw the flower that bloomed 7 years later and received the message. A relative, or maybe a settler.
So, I hope that people will start to see that wisdom and magic in Indigenous women. All Indigenous women. The richest and the poorest. For eeeeeevery Indigenous women I’ve ever met has had a prayer in her heart for a better world. A safer world. A more loving world. And I’ve had the good fortunate to receive that prayer and message from at least a few, and I just hope I carry it in a good way for them.
If you want to learn more, research “man camps”
I was inspired to explore this whole thing in writing because of:
If you want to make change, dig deep, go down the violence against Indigenous women rabbit hole, and then emerge with a new understanding of Colonialism.
Look for a “Stolen Sisters Memorial March,” or an #MMIW event, or other Indigenous rally near you. See that power of the women and other genders who usually organize these things. And, also find Indigenous artists. Look for your inner healing. We all have ancestral healing that needs to take place.
Hold space within yourself for darkness and light. Bliss and pain. Ask for how you can help. Ask how you can make the world better. You will receive answers. You will start meeting people with the answers.
Learn communication skills, learn empathy skills. Teach yourself to question if things you’re doing seem normal, and why? From the food you eat, to the way people are treated. How are people deemed less than human based on gender, race, or social class? And, how can you unpack that for yourself? How can you learn to be more accepting of people and not deem them as inferior for certain behaviour? How can you understand them, but also hold them accountable for their actions?

Thoughts on Aboriginal Rights and Title – incomplete

I’m sure many ppl have heard of Aboriginal Rights and Title…

One of the reasons the ppl fought for this is because we have rights through treaties and the Indian Act to hunt and fish.

Some treaties say something to the effect of – to the right to live our lives as we always have: hunting the game we’ve always hunted, fishing for fish we’ve always eaten, gathering and harvesting all the foods we’ve always eaten.

And for the Douglas treaty this means on any public and crown lands (as far as I know).

So if you see a Native harvesting in a park and you’re not Native and for some reason this offends you. Step back. Walk away. Because the people under the Douglas Treaty have a right to gather plants such as camas, ferns, cedar, devils clubs, etc.

Your “public parks” or “trails” were often our meadows or forests for gathering food or medicine.

And where your homes are were also these places. But, we can’t go there anymore because your house is there. Our livelihoods were killed and destroyed for your ability to live in a home.

But I’m bringing this up because even though we have these rights and even though government agencies know our rights they like to try to incarcerate Indigenous people, take their guns or boats, in some extreme cases peoples accounts get frozen. Because a Native wants to fish and feed their community.

And year after year our people need to talk to DFO (usually) to say, “Hey. You infringed upon our rights YOU broke the law by taking this person’s food.”

And it needs to usually be an elder with history in politics or whose had this happen to them, or the Chiefs and Council. But, more and more the Chiefs and Councils won’t fight this.

Our communities need to hold our Chiefs and council accountable for failure to stand up for our community members, but something can be said about settlers putting pressure on DFO and conservation departments to back off from Native fisherman. Do their job to make sure commercial fisherman aren’t overharvesting and also limiting permits or whatever they give commercial fisheries the right to fish in Our waters.

Does that click a lightbulb for some people? You need permission to be in our space rather than the other way around? Canadians so often think Indians need permission to do anything.

It’s not our fault that colonialism has a legacy of taking too much. People get mad that they can’t take as much fish as they used to. It’s because of a lack of harmony with nature. It’s been take take take in Canada for over 150 years. Who knows how long on the other side of the globe. It’s colonialism that created this. And we never wanted a part of it. Some nations of people actually did. But we didn’t. And we are forced to – by following colonial laws that managed to be in alignment with us having rights – teach people how they’re doing things wrong. How we as a race of ppl need to stop fishing. How we’ve taken too much. How our actions have consequences. But many commercial fisheries people resort to blaming Indians and talking down on Indians. They don’t want to be accountable for what’s happening in the water. All they see is how they’ll suffer. They don’t see how everything is suffering because of this imbalance.

It’s a tragedy of the human experience.

We don’t need to build up tension to justify self-care

I think a reality that many people find hard to accept is that just because things are hard, doesn’t mean somethings wrong with you.
“I find myself arguing a lot with people.”
Even if my astrologer’s insight can tell you that there’s a Mercury Rx happening, or that Pluto or Mars is presently squaring or opposing your Mercury…. This doesn’t really matter.
The problem we all have is thinking “This shouldn’t be happening.” or, “This is happening because I”m a bad person who apparently deserves punishment.”
We need to spend time learning. We need to have release.
For some reason, people expect that if they manage to release a lot of anger that they’ll never argue again. Or that if they heal something they’ll never get triggered ever, ever, again. And, I mean, healing definitely can provide us a life that is free from reactive behaviours or addictive behaviours that have plagued our lives… but it doesn’t mean you just stop needing to learn, or experience spiritual practices – be it through retreats, or ceremonies. We need spiritual practice because we’re not meant to be robots.
We often suffer most because we think we’re robots, or avatars from our fighting games. That we upgrade our punching speed, and power, and build our stamina and endurance, and create a fighter that is undefeatable by the computer game system then we can’t lose anymore.
That’s not what life is supposed to be.
Through our lives we will have different challenges. We will need to definitely upgrade all our skills throughout our life, I can’t say for certain – since I’m not there yet – but I imagine the challenge we’ll be facing when we’re old is things like “Is this person trying to take advantage of me or steal from me?” Right now we’re just thinking we have to be perfect all the time – which is why ppl hate the word happy, because they know all the reasons they’re not perfect.
We think if things are challenging then we must be doing something.
Challenges provide us opportunities to be self reflective.
-Am I active enough?
-Do I need to recharge?
-How have I been eating?
-Do I need a change?
-Am I being too hard on myself
-Do I just need to do nothing?
-Is this actually even my responsibility or is someone putting me in a position to take care of their problems?
We can even grin and bear some of these challenges because we recognize decisions in the past that lead to this present moment.
We’re always going to need to take care of ourselves. What helps is if we stop thinking self-care is a bad thing.
“I need to go on a retreat because life is hard.”
Someone can read that and their inner voice will be full of angst.
Another person can read that and not be making a big deal out of it.
We often think that if our pain/struggle/grief/challenges aren’t “big” or “Dramatic” enough then we don’t deserve to take care of ourselves in this way.
The point is we do need to take care of ourselves, and we don’t need to wreak havoc on our own psyche, nor the environment (i.e. relationships, toxic energy) that surrounds us to justify needing a retreat.

We don’t need to explain ourselves to anyone. We don’t need to justify ourselves to anyone, especially ourselves. If we have a yearly getaway for your spiritual needs, that’s hardly excessive. If we need X amount of hours by the ocean per week, that’s what we need and it doesn’t mean something is wrong with us for needing that self-care. I’m saying this to the individual who thinks there must be something wrong with them for being stressed, or unable to feel happy when they’re stressed. 

Stress is to be expected, and the need to release stress is also natural.
And, you may, through your practice of releasing stress, actually cure yourself of being triggered by certain events in your life that frequently stress you out or cause you pain… but the point of self-care isn’t necessarily to cure yourself. Don’t go in with that intention, but gracefully accept that should you come out with it. Go in with the intention of understanding what relief feels like. If the concept of relief seems vague. Think of it is you spend much of your day-to-day life breathing shallowly. Almost as if you’re always holding your breath at some points of your day. Imagine effective self-care is places you can go or practices you can do that allow your breathing to be deeper… imagine it allows you to feel that expelling out breath that you’ve been holding in so long. Much of our pains, struggles, and challenges are a reflection that we’re not letting things go. That we’re trying to change the past, or prevent something from happening (again) in the future. That cleansing out breath, that peaceful place of natural and relaxed breath can be that freedom we seek. If we provide ourselves enough time to experience that relaxation, we can carry that through the stressful times. And, if we’re not then we are just needing to make time for that freedom again. There’s no right or wrong. There’s just movement, and pause. Are you moving too much? Do you need to pause?
These pauses. We will all crave different space for pause. Some may wish for a daily place of pausing – although many would say it’s essential, it really depends where your mind is at if that is possible – some may crave the opportunity for a day, or a few days to be in an environment of everyone being together with the same intentions. Others may need teachings from elders or spiritual teachers to feel like they’re being nurtured.
Whatever it is we need. Take it, without shame of having a need.

No use pretending men using power to control people for their sexual desires is new or limited to Hollywood

We should all know this honestly.

So I had to make this.

If you look up these people and read articles about them, you’ll be able to put things together of peoples stories around you. I’m not saying we should fear one another, but we need to recognize rape culture.

How can we change anything if we don’t notice and awaken to the signs?

It seems we are at a point of figuring out how to dismantle this rape culture that’s existed for centuries and is rooted in colonialism. Colonialism is rooted in theft of land. Colonialism = raping and killing and then blaming the victims and calling them crazy for speaking the truth.

When I googled “convicted for sexually abusing” the second article on the search results was “the effects of lying about sexual abuse for the accuser and the accused” something along those lines.

I know this stuff is triggering for so many people, but this stuff has to come out for us to evolve as human beings.

And for those who say “Ok now what?”

Well it’s those who’ve committed wrongs who have to actually live the experience of feeling limited and confined.

When one has been a victim – we develop things like agoraphobia… a lot of the restriction and confinement comes from within. We stop going places for fear we’ll be a victim again. We feel shame, embarrassment and guilt.

Well, perpetrators have to live the reality that they have to face the feeling of shame and guilt.

You think any man whose attained any prestige was walking around feeling ashamed of what he did? No he was looking for his next victim. He was grinding down his victims’ will. And he felt good knowing he could end their career if they didn’t give into his perverse needs.

We don’t need to feel bad for them. Let them feel that guilt, shame and embarrassment. It’s their turn.

Do I believe in forgiveness. Yes. In my experience every perpetrator is a victim first. And many victims manage to hurt someone somehow.

All people are capable of abusive habits. All people. We are learning how to love the darkness. The negative.

That is how we end cycles.

Endometriosis Information

I do not have endometriosis, but I’ve never quite FULLY understood the condition. A friend of mine laid it out fairly well, so I want to share what they wrote to me. 

Endometriosis is a very complex condition. There are only theories as to “how” this happens, but it seems like the 10-15% of women who have it, have it since birth, as it is present in about 10-15% of dead female fetuses.

Endo does not exactly spread, however, it is a progressive disease where the lesions of endometriosis infiltrate deeper into tissues over time. The lesions can be extremely painful, in many cases, ALL throughout the monthly cycle. The inflammation that is caused by endometriosis produces webs of scar tissue, binding into adhesions that can ‘stick’ organs and such together(this can be excruciating). The lesions themselves can kill sections of intestine, kidneys, ureters, bladder walls, lungs, thigh or abdominal muscle, cardiac muscle…… the list goes on! Properly excising the diseased tissue often requires collaboration between multiple surgeons due to the wide swath of organs and body regions that can be affected.


Endometriomas of the ovary, also called chocolate cysts, are present in 30-40% of women with the disease, and they are often indicative of DIE(deep infiltrating endo) being present elsewhere in the pelvis/abdomen. Seen in the above images, chocolate cysts can be enormous, and they are heavy since they are packed tightly with old blood fluids. When my cyst has leaked, the pain has been so bad I have experienced paralyzation.

There are a few problems…… first off, there is no way to confirm or even truly diagnose endo without sending tissue off to pathology following a laparoscopic surgery. Women who do not have endometriomas, or who have small cysts……. their ultrasounds and MRIs can show nothing at all, and they can still end up with pervasive disease confirmed in and after surgery.

Doctors and even gynecologists are severely undereducated about endo. A life-altering and potentially fertility-stealing condition affecting 10-15% of women is apparently not important enough to take up more than a couple of pages in a textbook that barely warrants discussion.

endo pic

Women are pushed into hormonal treatments that can help symptoms, but also can cause side effects, and they ultimately fail to do anything to prevent the deeper manifestations of the disease from progressing.

Time to diagnosis is 8 YEARS on average. After diagnosis, women are sent in for ineffective ablation after ablation and many undergo unnecessary hysterectomies. The AVERAGE number of surgeries for endo is 9!! Nine is the average. No wonder the medical associations keep endo “in the dark” ~ what a fantastic cash cow.

The disease is different for each and every woman. Amount of endo does not always correlate to pain levels. In addition, some girls(ME) experience symptoms before even having their first period. My problems became over-the-top 4 years before I reached menarche. I had to live through 25 years of everyone telling me I have a problem, but it’s “in my head”……… and only now, now that I have a giant endometrioma can I be believed. The additional problem for me is that I likely have endometriosis on my diaphragm, so I am desperate for a true expert, and there are SO FEW experts around.

Teenagers NEED education about endometriosis. With knowledgeable professionals, endo CAN be caught and treated early, preventing girls and young women from having their lives stolen by this extremely common ‘hidden’ disease.

Additional information from my friend in regards to adenomyosis. 

The way I understand it, adenomyosis is kind of like having endometriosis inside of the uterus itself. Ladies with adeno seem to have the most crippling uterine cramps of all, and the issue can be accompanied by excessive bleeding, along with bleeding that can last for too many days.

Uterine Fibroids, and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction are a couple of other pelvic pain generators that can cause significant problems. I wanted to make sure to mention these other diseases because endometriosis is not the only one that gets overlooked. Many women with these debilitating problems get diagnosed incorrectly with things like Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, IBS, Crohn’s Disease, and so on and so forth.

Below I will include links for your own reading and watching.








It’s been a while… and I’m still weird

With someone like me… If I were to say, “This. This part of me. It’s not gonna change until my dying day.” 

Because I am willing to go great depths… because I’ve been willing to change…

People take that as me giving up. 

That I’m strong enough or smart enough to change something about me that seems to be presenting a challenge in my life.
What if I’m not giving up?

What if I’m accepting.

When I say something can’t change I don’t see it as a flaw.

It’s the equivalent of my hair being brown, or my legs being long. 
Some parts of my character or personality are as solid as stone. 
I’d rather learn to work with them than against them. 
My two biggest challenges are that I feel extremely responsible and also desire radical change. It’s not a fun trait but it’s who I am. I’ll always want to be a responsible and accountable person. It may result in me being unwilling to take risks. Yet, I crave risks. It’s fun! That’s where learning happens. 
However, so often the risk taker is an individual. My responsible nature needs to ensure that I’m not just doing things for my own benefit. I want us all to benefit. I don’t want just myself to thrive. I want everyone to feel like they are thriving or have the potential to thrive as well. If it’s just me thriving, it feels like failure.
That is who I am. 

That is how I’ll always be. 

reflection 07/29/2017

For personal growth and shadow work…
As a child I spent a lotta years finding forgiveness and compassion for the people who killed my people in the thousands. Whose diseases dropped our people like flies… and whose narcissistic/misogynistic cultural beliefs obliterated even more of our people… whose elitism created suffering for the entire globe.
It was a battle of life and death.
It also included exploration of core beliefs, and changing them.
This was all intuitive for me. And then when I became an adult… that’s how I got the words “Finding/Changing Core Beliefs” which I learned in Bridges for Women.
What helped me was reading spiritual teachings.
Or reflecting on the teachings I received at gatherings – usually funerals.
There’s a lot out there to help your growth.
You won’t grow if you don’t step out of your comfort zone.
If you won’t change your beliefs then you’ll always stay stuck where you’ve always been.
What I mean is things like.
“I’m not good enough.”
“I am evil.”
“I will be abandoned.”
And I’m not implying it’s easy at all.
It requires a fierce determination when in the emotional awareness of “I am not enough.” to power through and believe, “I am enough. I am lovable. I am desirable.”
That was my way for a long time.
But nowadays it is easier. I can easily be unaffected by people. I can also move through my hurt feelings.
There is still growth to be made.
I’m still out here just tryin’ not to hurt anybody.
Trying to find out ways to help people, that don’t require me doing the work for them. Ways that make me feel good and full and like I’m contributing, but not taking on other peoples’ work. Not because it’s too hard, but because I know I only grew because I felt like I had to do it for myself. And that sometimes I wouldn’t be compelled to change behaviours when I felt like I was too comfortable.

Gotta work now!

If you want to trigger me – talk about the state of Indigenous children in Canada

For over 150 years the Canadian government has essentially been in support of the rape, murder, and use of Indigenous children as guinea pigs for nutrition and social experiments. I’m not exaggerating. Ever since Residential Schools were opened, and thereafter when they created Child Welfare and started literally abducting kids by the busloads and making them wards of the state or literally selling them to Americans… Canada has been willfully traumatizing and psychologically torturing Indigenous children. And it was never a mistake. The intention has always been to kill the Indian in the child.

Canadians – and the world – have been fed a lie that Canadians are polite, peacekeepers. When in reality they’re the sociopath who looks completely normal. Your white veterinarian nextdoor neighbour. Yet, the country has filled residential schools, child welfare systems, and prisons extremely disproportionately with Indigenous people. And, furthermore, the lands which they cordoned us off into – reserve lands – have the worst industrial wastes to deal with while the rest of “Canada” is pristine. None of this is an exaggeration by any means.
Canada is a polite looking rapist.
Today I saw this video. And I have to say that some of the sentiments shared are ones I’ve had to share with rooms full of people before. I’ve had to share it face to face with a white lady while she was in tears. I prefer tears over complete and blatant ignorance that Jocelyn Wabano-Iahtail had to put up with – what I had to put up with in those rooms.
Why is Justin Trudeau to blame?
Because this. Because it’s been a year and a half. I don’t want to hear “We’re working on this.” I don’t believe you. Whose been fired? What new policies have been implemented? Have some investigations been launched into those working for and running the worst departments in Child and Family services?
How does the Canadian government help? It’s like asking a rapist how can they stop raping people. There’s no help coming from a rapist. A rapist must stop raping. There’s no help in there. It requires the government of Canada to know what Rape actually is. This is kind of a metaphor but it’s actually, sadly, quite literal. Look at the western world. People don’t know what rape is. People literally don’t know what rape is.
If anybody wants to know how to make this world a better place, we all need to face facts that the society we live in is established on the concept that rape is an inevitable part of life for most people. Rape is an inevitable experience most people should expect. Think about that. Some people who read this will literally have been raped. And for those who haven’t – they have a friend who has been raped. They have female and male friends who have been raped. The people they know were children when the incident happened, or adults when it happened.
Why am I talking about rape so much? Because, rape is assault using force, coercion, authority, or power. And, yes, it’s almost exclusively applied to sexual assault. And I’m not using rape for affect, at all, because Indigenous women and children are disproportionally sexually assaulted – for sure – but this assault on Indigenous bodies is also completely tied to the violence on the land.
When we say – stop taking our children. Literally stop. Cease and desist until further notice.
When we say – stop poisoning our water. Literally stop, right now.
When we say – find our missing women. We mean find them, and find out whose taking them. Find out how many women they’ve taken – Indigenous or not – STOP THEM from doing that.
When we say – stop talking. It means shut up. Sit in silence. And in ceremony. Shut up for a long time.
What are you so desperately developing the land for? Invaders have ghost towns all over “Canada” and “America”… yet they’re compelled to continue to deforest the land for… what exactly? You don’t need to expand your cities or towns. You have some you already destroyed land to make, why can’t you rebuild them? What logic is there to destroying land because it’s “easier” than fixing something that you broke?

Trees take hundreds of years to grow, and provide us amazing oxygen, and spiritual peace… Hemp/Cannabis grows super duper fast and can replace a lot of building materials… yet it’s not yet become industrialized to help us save tree resources? In 2017?
Indigenous people were blamed for years and years for “slowing down development.” I hope you’re thanking the people who slowed down development. They pumped the brakes on a train going off the rails. You’re welcome. But, really, Canadian government is actually slowing down actual beneficial development for themselves – clean energy technology, holistic sustainable living, etc.
And what is my point of bringing all this up? Because it really is all connected. The Canadian government is still deadset on killing and destroying land, water and Indigenous people. It’s still a system that wants to kill the Indian in this country. It really is. And because it’s still focused on killing Indians and lands. When you awaken to this you will be able to become a part of the solution this world needs. You’ll understand what “wrong” is.
This is a triggered blog post. Just FYI.