How my thinking works

So, I called this blog “one at a time” because the way we make lasting changes is to do things one at a time. But, also, how we change our beliefs can be accomplished by observing them one at a time. I’m not saying I’m a successful thinker, per se. But I’ve uncovered a lot of answers throughout my life by thinking like this.

 

I’m not sure why self-loathing is such a debilitating feeling but it is.
The idea that that’s even a real thing is bizarre!
Like. How is it even possible that we hate ourselves?
What strange cosmic creator decided that’s even a thing?
It’s also like dying from sadness. What?
Why did we think these thoughts. Ever?
 
And, then, we decided. Let’s make a world where people DO hate themselves and are conscious of it and wonder if they’ll die from sadness….
 
BUT ALSO, let’s make people who DON’T know what that feels like.
 
Why did we do this to ourselves? Why did we create a world where we can feel so misunderstood?
 
And, if you feel inclined to answer. And if your answer is “contrast.” Then that’s not an answer. It’s an answer but it’s a shallow answer.
 
No. It’s like answering the question
“Why do I like fluffy kitties?”
With stuff like, “Because they’re sooooo adorable!” Of course they are and that’s why we all love them.
Or, “Because of the chemical reaction it creates in the brain.”
Of course, and we all have chemical reactions of love in our brain to various things. Congratulations you haven’t explored the question.
 
A REAL answer is something like, “Fluffy kitties make me feel ____”
Words that come to mind are “Safe”… to which we can conclude someone who answered as such had a feeling of feeling unsafe, and the cat brought them wholeness. And there would likely be a story behind that.
 
“Playful” sounds kind of obvious, but not everyone’s playful, so it’s not really. At least not to me. I’m not playful.
 
I’m not exactly desiring an answer to this question. And, honestly, I acknowledge you for reading this if you did. I just had to observe my thoughts. Because, you know, that’s how they say you don’t get sucked into them. Emotionally. How you avoid a spiral.
 
But, I wanted to share, which is why I had to tell people if they wanna answer they need to have an answer of meaning. It has to come from your heart.
 
I just know, we experience pain, sometimes, to know what we don’t want… I’d like to know better what I DO want. I’ve wanted peace for a long time. But, that’s, I think, really easy. It’s easy to feel peace when death doesn’t scare you. I mean we all have an ego that fears death when it gets super close. But, I believe in reincarnation. I believe that death is freedom from pain. I know I’ll come back after I die. I know I could potentially be anything from an eagle to a piece of fabric in a carpet. I know that being a human is the ultimate learning experience in this universe. The one with the most contrast. I know that we resist what is and that’s what causes the most suffering in this world and that most people are resisting what is. That most people are suffering. I know that a lot of people are in denial of that and I know that some days that upsets me and I wonder how I can help get people out of denial. But, I know that I do hate myself a lot which is why I don’t do something so I can make money or some sort of living off this desire to help others’ end their suffering. I also think I’ll mess them up instead of make them better. That’s a weird thing, too.
 
I’m also aware I feel really comfortable in my head a lotta the times. I mean, a lotta the times it’s uncomfortable, too. But, when I’m in a flow like this it’s kinda nice. Cuz I’m detached from the emotion.
 
I know some people would read some of this stuff and make it sad. I’m not making it sad, right now. I’m observing it. I think I need to do it. Otherwise it just ferments in my head.
 
I’m sure things are encouraged to be changed. But, honestly…. the next step is to just try and live outside of my head. So. Congratulate me if I manage to eat decently today :). One green leafy vegetable is a huge win in my books.
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How to heal from colonization 

This isn’t complete.. I’ll have to complete it later. I didn’t mean to publish it but it is what it is. This is basically a work in progress in terms of a guided meditation. In hopes that people can walk themselves through the feeling of being Indigenous… to gain a deeper understanding of what it’s like to come from essentially purity and love… to this contemporary world which has deep roots of abuse of women and children, which is so foreign to many Indigenous peoples. It’s something I think many truly can’t imagine, for some reason, unless you really lay it all out. Also, it’s helpful for Indigenous people who didn’t grow up knowing the teachings of their people. Who don’t know where some deep-seated trauma comes from. It might not suit all Indigenous people, and that’s fine. It’s just one perspective of one Indigenous person. Just hoping to help people in their healing.

You need to imagine what it was like to have THE. MOST. BEAUTIFUL. and ABUNDANT. LAND. and WATER. EVER!!!
Imagine rivers so full you could walk on salmons’ backs.

Imagine skies so abundant with ducks the sky went black and all you had to do was throw a net in the air and you had food.

Imagine berry patches so lush you could feed thousands of people for almost a whole year.

Water so pure it took every negativity away and gave you strength of heart and mind.

Trees so ancient that it stood while your great great great grandparent was alive.

Love so deeply valued that your mother was taken care of just as delicately when she was menstruating as she was when she was pregnant. Because she held the future within her. She held you.

You were valued and treated with love before you were conceived… even if you might not have been born into a human form. You were valued as an egg inside your mother.

Imagine you decided to be born into this, and when you were born, grandmothers, and aunts, and cousins all took care of you and your mother while you were rapidly developing in your earliest months of life.

Imagine it was your father’s sacred job to ensure no negativity was allowed around you and your mother while she carried you inside her and while she nursed you to grow into a loved human being.

Imagine a people so honest we had places to log our lumber, trap our crabs, and places only our family fished… and those boundaries were respected. We never stole from one another because if we needed anything we just told our dear friends or relatives and they helped us out. We didn’t need to steal. You catch that? We would have told a friend or relative we didn’t have enough. We didn’t “ask” for help. That’s a different way of seeing the world.
Now imagine colonization.

 

Imagine brutal killings. Flat out lies. Disdain for women. Objectification of all life. Repeat. Objectification of all life. People who first came here had no concept really of soul or spirit.
They were infested with numerous diseases. All because of the shame they were taught. Sexual shame and syphilis = an unconscious method of genocide. It was explorers with STD’s. It was the businessman. The establishing government officials. The Indian Agents. The rapist priests.

The “common cold” was never experiences by my people. So when the invaders came with their “common” disease, it actually wiped us out. That’s how pure our lives were. We didn’t have common sicknesses.

My Mission and Objectives

Mission: to prove that love is magic
Love dissipates grudges, resentment, vengeful thinking.

Target: Myself

Below I will detail how I plan to carry this out. And, with each objective I will write a blog on how I came to the conclusion that this is how I will carry out the mission. Note: these things are always “If it’s within my power.” and “If it’s consensual.” And, when it’s

  1. Show compassion and kindness to people who are struggling – alleviate suffering.
  2. Trust – learn how to believe that people care about my best interests, and receive information that mirrors my positive beliefs about myself.
  3. Truth – be open the the idea that what I believe is true for me today, will be false tomorrow.
  4. Find my fears – what am I afraid to show people?
  5. Connect – with other people, with land
  6. Set goals – what am I here to do? what am I here to build? Who am I here to serve?

That’s all I have for now. It might change/be amended. I just honestly need to publish this. XD

1. Showing kindness and Compassion to someone in crisis

 

Every war, every battle, is built on resentment, bitterness and pessimism. It’s built on collective resentment, bitterness, and pessimism. You can see it in a culture, which also means you could potentially see a culture of kindness, love, and compassion.

It’s very hard being an empath or highly sensitive person in the world and having media and society built on violence. It plants a seed of anxiety that everyone must be out to destroy you, if not now, they will want to eventually. It creates isolation, because people are draining. Why are people are draining? Because we think they want to destroy us. That’s what our own history, media, and current events teach us – humans destroy each other.

I don’t believe humans are innately destructive of one another. I think that’s all we’ve been taught. And, governments and corporations capitalize on that. Capitalism isn’t inherently evil either, friends. But, a healthy government and corporation (should they exist in the future) would capitalize on your well-being as well as their own. Example, if my passion in life is “construction material” and I find out that the lime I’ve been mining gets into the water and kills fish, and that means my employees can’t fish or even swim in the water in which the fish are in, then it doesn’t mean I have to fight to continue to mine Lime… I can figure out an alternative for construction material. One that doesn’t pollute water. One that is even better than lime. Like hemp! We’ve known hemp’s uses for generations, but unfortunately it’s still not in high production. For the future, I hope that if capitalism persists, that it will always be done for the benefit of all, instead of the benefit of 1%and I feel like humans who are shown compassion and kindness will be super open to change rather than feeling defensive of their corporate assets.

The best way for us to cultivate a culture of kindness and compassion is to show unconditional love and gentleness for the first 7 years of our little humans’ lives.

Of course, that will be difficult to attain – not impossible, but requires a lot of humans as resources for this! (It takes a village to raise a child)

So, the next best thing (because we’re not here to strive for perfection and to only ever be pure) is to show kindness and compassion when someone is at their weakest or most vulnerable. We hardly trust in one another, if we live in a world that we feel like another human actually valued our lives despite the potential danger (ex. flood or fire) or seeming impossibility (ex. mental illness), we’ll want to make sure that we can pass that along. When I think of what moves us the most deeply, it’s when we see humans saving someone or “something” in distress. It’s bravery.

Example: when there’s a disaster and people go out of their way to organize and help the victims. We’re so inspired by their bravery. Firemen pulling someone from the rubble of a fire is one thing. But, when an average citizen helps with no expectation of glory or reward, we’re moved. We’re moved to tears. We’re moved to action.

I was on a bus trip. I met a man, and I felt like he could use a friend for a while. He was moving to Surrey to have a fresh start from his life in Alberta. He had a son who was the same age as my son, about 2. It can be hard to have small talk and connection on bus trips. You don’t always know who would prefer quiet vs. who is wanting to connect. I was fortunate on this bus trip that some people helped me at bus station transfers by watching one of my kids, or entertaining one of my kids on the bus while I was trying to calm another one down.

With this man, we just connected right away because of our Indigenous backgrounds. To be honest, there’s often just an understanding and a trust between one another. To be Indigenous in Canada means you’re likely aware of the greatest extents of human suffering. So, he shared with me his struggles with his son’s mother. And, how he wanted to give him the best life he possibly could. My phone was dead. I wanted to add him to Facebook. I knew he could use a friend. But, I couldn’t remember his name after we parted ways. I just knew him as “Yellowbird.” But I had this undoubted feeling that I would in fact see him in my Facebook newsfeed. I felt strongly he’d be in a news article. So, I just trusted in that.

Not long after, a friend of mine shared a post of a man who had saved his landlords from a house fire. All but one of them. He lived in their downstairs basement. His sister was there with him that evening. But, he had to go through the fire and pull these people out. He was really hard on himself for not saving the last person – a grandparent of landlord’s family. Elders are very sacred to us Indigenous people. So he was very hard on himself. He wasn’t even really thinking of the fact that he and his son would have to find a place to stay, and clothes and all the basic necessities for life. He was focused on his disappointment in himself that he didn’t save that elder. I saw his name in the article. I confirmed in the video interview that it was indeed the man I saw on the bus. So, I looked him up on Facebook. I added him. He shared with me his concern that he was being painted as a hero. He was concerned about the news broadcasting him as a hero. He didn’t want that. He felt exposed. I didn’t know how to help him change that belief. So, I focused on what I could do. I shared the news articles on Facebook. And, a few of the relatives who saw it shared it as well. And I reached out to those relatives. They’re influential people with large networks of people they can reach, and who could actually support this man with the necessities he needed. I was also happy when he told me he had a friend who supported him as well. I asked my relatives to see what they could do to help Yellowbird. And they met him, helped him get housing, and lots of people helped him with the necessities for him and his son. They helped him find sweetgrass for smudging.

I knew I couldn’t give this man all he needed, but I trusted in the love I was raised with from my family and the fact that they have more resources than I do would help him.

We may not all be ones to run into a fire.
We may feel like we don’t have the resources to get someone back on their feet.
We may feel like we can’t even emotionally support someone whose gone through a traumatic event.

But we gotta start believing in ourselves. Because we wouldn’t be SO inspired by peoples’ bravery and compassion if we didn’t see it within ourselves. We’re also inspired by the connecting. Of someone empowered connecting to someone who is vulnerable.

We are brave beings. I’m not here to tell you to start a revolution. I’m not here to change the world. I’m just showing you what’s helped me. What’s helped my heart have faith in humanity.

If you feel like you’re brave enough to run into a fire or to support someone after a traumatic event, but also have a fear of connection – start doing that brave work internally. You might be like me. You might’ve grown up in an oppressed, money-strapped, constricted/confined family or community (ex. on a Reserve/Reservation). The poverty mindset may be strong in all those around you. So, faith or belief in the bravery in humanity may be difficult. But, look around you, you’ll find it. You’ll see moms on welfare taking care of other peoples’ kids. You might have judgments towards her, but just stop. That woman feels like she is doing the best she can to support another human being. She barely has much, but she thinks she has enough to help another kid. Look for people doing generous acts, no matter how small. And also look for the big acts as well.

Personally, I feel like I have the biggest heart and willingness to do go to any lengths to help someone, but I think of the real life consequences and my real life limits. Example, don’t think I’m physically strong enough to save anyone from a fire. I mean if I could, I would.

But, I know I’m a really good listener. I believed my love and support of others’ was a means in which I could help the world. Yet, I was PAINFULLY SHY. I had to work SO HARD on being brave in the smallest ways. I barely could make eye contact with people. I could barely speak to people. I didn’t dance, I longed to sing by my shy, quiet voice just couldn’t belt out what I felt deep within lol. I felt like I sucked at everything. I sucked at writing, drawing…. I thought I was a slow runner. But, when I was 6 I remember one of my teammates. An adorable freckle-faced, dark-haired girl, who was fast and skilled at soccer. We were at practice one day doing a drill which required us to pair up or group up, and she grabbed my hand and said, “Come here! You’re fast! We can win!” I was shocked. Someone who didn’t think I sucked lol. In the summer leading up to grade 1, I was horrified thinking I’d be the stupidest kid in the class if I couldn’t spell. I needed to be really smart (to be loved). I found out, “What could be the simplest thing for me to learn how to spell?” I asked my mom for like hours on end if I was spelling “Yes” and “No” right. My sister told me, “I LEARNED to spell Yes and No that day.” She was 3 at the time. To be blunt, we all have this fear. I just felt it WAY deeper and more intensely. Why? Because of intergenerational trauma of residential school. My body was literally afraid, because of things I inherited from my parents and grandparents, that if I didn’t learn to be successful in school that I could be physically, verbally or even sexually assaulted. I also had the other part of me that was connected closely enough, generationally, to know that I did not deserve to feel this scared or afraid. So, I would be sick a lot as a kid. I developed asthma at the age of 7. This helped me end up staying home for more days than usual when I got a cold, because I was so wheezy. By the age of 8, I had gotten pneumonia, which kept me out of school for a whole month.

But, by age 9, I had been put in “gifted” classes. My determination to be “successful” in school had apparently paid off, but there’s so much life skills I failed to learn in school. So, I’m not sure how successful schooling was or ever can be for me.

Which is why I had to learn bravery for myself and what that looked like. I can totally run into a burning building, but I’d just be another liability.

If someone was trapped on the water in a storm, I’d totally hop on a boat and save them. But, I don’t have my own boat, and I actually have no marine skills.

So, what do I have that could help someone in crisis? Extremely deep wells of empathy and compassion. Can that save people and end suffering? Well, I’d like to think it can. I’d like to think that’s what we’ve all been craving. So, if you’re like me, you can be the emotional safe haven for others. If you’re reading this, you’d have to be like me, because I’m too weird to be easily found :). You may also feel the same way I felt for so long, that there are extremes to your nature that make it hard to really feel like you’ll really be a reliable source for wisdom and compassion for others. Well, just so you know, that’s all a part of a fear of connecting. There’s very real fears that you have to push through. Overcoming a social anxiety is bravery! So, HONOUR that. I say “a” social anxiety, because you’ll likely have many social anxieties. You ARE braver than you think. Personally, on reflection, I realize now I really did feel like I was going to die, and like I was vulnerable to attack, and I sure acted like it. Another soccer reference, I remember being older playing soccer. I felt like I could be a better player, but my mom wasn’t supportive enough. I’m not blaming her, but with my social skills, I just didn’t have enough social skills to be accountable to the degree she expected me to be. She expected me to know when my next practices and games would be. But, I was literally afraid to be around these people, so I couldn’t even hear their conversations about the next practice or game.

So, if you’re desiring to be braver. You are brave. You’ve been brave, but you just haven’t credited yourself. You think you’re not capable, but you are.

Bravery is making any decision in which you cannot guarantee the outcome.
It’s also making a decision you’re so sure of the outcome that you commit to it.

And, it’s bravery we need to ACT compassionately.

Some of us know someone we feel like always does the brave thing.
I’m not sure if these people are always in alignment with their highest selves, but you can still learn from them.

Brave acts we wish we could do can be:
– stopping a fight
– hitchhiking and trusting that you will meet kind strangers
– picking up hitchhikers and having that inner trust that you’re picking up honest people
– saying something that for sure will cause a conflict, but willing to engage with someone in conflict and hope to meet a peaceful resolution. This can actually deepen bonds.
– speaking up for someone being harassed

Ways to get to these acts of compassionate bravery if you’re way too shy to connect
– start acknowledging you are brave and empowered. You have to start believing. Even if you just put the intention out there, it will lead you on the path towards compassionate bravery.
– put yourself in other peoples’ shoes. The next three steps are three people you need to put yourself in their shoes
Imagine how they think, feel, and operate. And, do so without judgment. The way they think, feel, and operate may feel way different. You might think of someone and think, “What a monster? How could they be that way?” But, you need the compassion here. Because, it’s the “monsters” you’re afraid of most. The ones who have the most power in your mind that stop you from brave, compassionate connection.
-Also, imagine how people you admire think, feel, and operate. Realize, there was a time when they were afraid. When they were in YOUR shoes. Because you cannot admire someone’s greatness without already having it within you. They were looking up to someone they admired and wishing they could be them, and needing to find out how to become that.
– Put yourself in the shoes of someone just like you. This is essentially imaging how you’d wish someone to reach out to you. This one is important because you then have to see that you need connection. You need others to be brave for you. That’s the thing about connection. It’s a two-way stream. And, putting out the desire to connect with someone is putting out a desire for someone to want to connect with you.

You are a brave and compassionate soul. I may expand on this even further, or divide this up into another post somehow in the future.

remember-you-are-magical

How did we all get here?

I’ll tell you. Magic.

When military’s invaded and attacked villages of our ancestors…  When they took over the land and confined them or murdered our ancestors’ loved ones…

They had to find and create joy.

They were in prisons (literally, or “camps”, or “ghettos” or “reserves”) and they found Friendship. They found Laughter (when the reality surrounding them was definitely not a joke). They found Creativity (pranking Indian Agents). They found Appreciation (when they craved salmon and berries but Indain Agents forced them to eat their rations they turned flour into Bannock).

Our ancestors have literally known hell on earth.

But they transformed that and made love in places love wasn’t supposed to exist.

You have that same magic. And that is why I love you. I love your magic. Remember. You are Magical.

You’re Doing It Wrong

“You’re doing it wrong.” Is an ancient colonial teaching that nearly all of humanity has to overcome. (Insert mystical wise voice LOL)
 
It’s so engrained that when I was 5 years old I KNOW I felt like there was a “right” way and a “wrong” way to do things. I learned very young. I was not encouraged to explore my creative mind. And, unfortunately, I feel like I failed to do the same for my kids. I mean I barely know how, so how can I teach them. To be clear, my goal after I get my diploma is to drop everything and just explore our creative expression together. I admit I feel a little powerless, but I’m doing what I can in the meantime. 
So, when I was in kindergarten, I had a Kindergarten teacher named Mrs. Pope. She also would become my grade 1 teacher. She was kinda nice, but kind of cold. Our school had two kindergarten teachers, and the other was Mrs. McDonald I think? She would be my sister’s teacher the next year when she entered kindergarten. Mrs. McDonald seemed nice and fun. I never got the nice and fun teachers. Ever. My grade 2 teacher was considered nice and fun, but she didn’t like that I would show up late to school a lot. I think I probably had some positive experiences, but I no longer remember them. Haha, I remember we were reading a book, and the word “Native” was in it, and she said all people born in Canada were Native because of the definition of “Native” and I was like, “Ok. You’re super invalidating the existence of Indigenous peoples right now, I wish there was an adult to teach you how to approach this matter in a more well-rounded perspective.” It just made it awkward that day. Lol. I’m digressing. I asked Mrs. Pope to help me with my writing in my journal. I often would get the letter N and the letter M confused. I also didn’t know how to spell ANYTHING. She was like, “Write in your Journal. Whatever you want.” I was like, “Ok, but I don’t know how to spell anything.” And she basically was telling me to “Just try.” I was like, “So, can I just write random letters?” “Well, no, you have to try and challenge yourself to spell and write something.” “How tf? WTF?” was basically my internal reaction. Here’s a moment I would’ve loved to express rage. Or meltdown. Because honestly, I felt like doing so. This God damned teacher was giving me no sense of how I could be accepted. How I could survive, essentially.  But, I didn’t do any of that. I spiralled into pain, shame, and embarrassment of my identity as Indigenous. As a Girl. As an unpretty girl (I had bad teeth and I felt like I always had a snotty nose lol). I felt like I had to protect my Mom from being judged for not teaching me these skills before I got to school. But then,  I kind of remember a “Fuck that bitch” kind of feeling, because I was like, “I’m getting help. And, if I don’t then I’ll just write whatever I want.” So, I found Mrs. Knee. Mrs. Knee (I dunno if she spelled it that way or not) would assist with special needs children, usually. I believe she was a volunteer. She would helping a boy Peter for many years, who was the same age as my sister (I’m the oldest so every sibling reference is younger siblings). But, she was a bit softer than Mrs. Pope. So I sort of cornered her and was like, “Can you just tell me which letter sounds like Mmm and which letter sounds like Nnnn?” It was a challenge, because she had an accent, I believe. Plus I was shy as fuck and quiet as fuck. So, there were barriers. But, she did her best to help me but she, too, basically ran away from me.
But honestly, I think when we’re little like that, We THINK we’re saying all this stuff super clearly, but I don’t think we always were. Especially those of us who were shy and quiet. It was super clear in my mind, though. I just remember thinking a lot of the times that adults who couldn’t understand me were basically assholes who thought they were better or smarter than me. I was like, “Hello, children are here to teach you. IDK wtf I’m gonna teach you but you gotta learn how to listen.” Lol. I feel like that’s the blessing of the family I was born into. This message was relayed from generation to generation. So, it came through for me very early on.

I don’t know why I felt so exhausted most of the time at school. I felt super stressed. And, I’m trying to understand how to get to the core of that. I feel like I have dealt with it a lot… But I think ultimately, my soul craved to choose it’s own direction. Craved some safe space to be created around that. I think my parents did a pretty good job in somehow passing on that I was allowed to explore the world in ways I saw fit, but I also feel like I wasn’t nourished emotionally. I’m ok with that. I chose that for a reason.

Astrologically, I think it’s my Saturn in the 12th… a huge sense that I must deny myself pleasure, and that must conform to someone else’s expectations of success. That feeling that some authority determines whether I’m good enough… It stuck itself deep. I believe it’s imprinted from experiences of my mother and grandmother. Physically, I think it’s represented by the pain in my solar plexus area… This ache that has stayed with me since I was 18 or 19 and pulled a muscle in my back.
I pinched this nerve when I was exercising with my friend. We were training for basketball. I think at that time I just felt like no matter how hard I practiced, I’d never be fast enough, strong enough, skilled enough to be a good basketball player. I’m Canadian. Even if you become really good as a female basketball player in Canada, the best up here would get their asses kicked down in the states. So, I’ll never make it to the WNBA or anything like that.
I also was working with my dad at the time. I was stressed there, because I saw all this stuff we were throwing out. All this lumber. It depressed me thinking how much we just get rid of. And then I’d think of how much materials we put into skyscrapers and malls, etc.  I was like, “Ugh. I can’t just see this and do this for the rest of my life.”

Boom. There goes my back.

It’s very hard to know what’s right for myself. Whenever I’d get interested in something I immediately would be like, “How do I do this right to know I can become the best and make a good living with integrity in my relationship to myself, others, and the environment? How do I become rich doing this?”
It was an exhausting way to think. And, I think that’s society’s influence.
I’ve been thinking lately, I don’t wanna be the best at something. But, I think sometimes I just experience things that way because I just think I’m not good enough.
Maybe I’ll figure out soon whether that’s fear based. Or, maybe, I authentically just want to learn things for my own interests and I don’t need to make a living off of them.
Question is, if that’s the case. How do I make a living and just get to live a life of learning? Also, how do I make my own learning my utmost priority while also honouring my children? Because honestly, I feel like I could jump into a rocket and go and learn from place to place to place, but then I’m like, “Well what about my kids? Are they coming? are they staying home?”
That’s why my plan is, once I’m done school, I will make a commitment to all of us discovering a creative expression focused life. Because I will find my answers that way, I truly think that’s possible. For now, I have to write these things, because I don’t want to lose myself.
What I recognize is that elements of my expression here still kind of are reflection of “What is right?” and “What is wrong?”
Also, that I still see myself in a pretty “black” and “white” way when it comes to decision making. And, maybe that’s ok. I just feel chaotic when I’m in the “grey”. 😀

Creativity and Originality

So, I’ve been labeled an artist. I’ve been called creative. I used to say, “I’ve been accused of being creative or an artist.”

However, to be honest, I don’t feel like I’m creative. I don’t think I’ve had an original thought that wasn’t somehow influenced by something I had seen or read before. And, I don’t think any of us have. I don’t think that exists.

Some people might be better at channelling creative energy. Where they come up with ideas without being taught. Example, all of our oldest ancestors would have had to have creative thought to be able to build the plentiful amazing structures we are all familiar with today. Even then, my ancestors would have said they observed another life form – example perhaps they saw a bird building a nest, or a beaver building  a dam, or some sort of burrowing animal with an underground home – and built based on that observation.

Wisdom was gained also by channeling messages from the life around them, example trees and stones. That could have been a source of information for which our ancestors figured out how to build our earliest homes.

Whatever creativity or originality is, I think from a very young age I was detached from it. And, once I am done school it is my mission to find the original/creative spark. I think I was severed from a very young age, because my earliest memories were of me wanting to just know what people wanted from me. “How do you want me to do this?” “How can I do this, “Right?” I had very little sense of being able to physically create anything from a creative space.

I pass as a creative thinker, but I really don’t think I am. I think I’m pretty logical and irrational in my expectations, which draws me to solutions that sound innovative. Really, I just caught bits of information here and there. What I think I have in my favour is that I know that certain things feel good and loving, and others don’t. And I go towards the things that feel loving. And, I try to understand why I feel the ways I feel. I think ultimately, my love feelings drive me to all beings discovering their inner desires and motivators, and being able to separate the motivators rooted in fear of being unloved, or lack of love and seeking it.

 

Minimum wage

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Read this and think.
The colonial Government sets standards of worth, and we all somehow manage to align with them (whether we like it or not). Basically we are constantly separating ourselves from others… When we must remember that many Indigenous peoples understood that everything is connected. Many of us will say this about “white people”… that they just don’t get how all things are life, and all life are beings, and all beings can teach us… But, by speaking that way, we’re falling into the same ideation that the Colonizers treated us with. That we are separate. We’re creating the very separation that we accuse invaders and settlers of having. We make them an “other”. Which is making them a non-life, non-being, and incapable of learning and teaching. And we can argue lots of reasons why we do this… but it usually boils down to “they started it!” So, the question is, if “they started it” how can we end it?
Well, I don’t know the answers, but we can always question our judgments, “Is this what my ancestors would think? Is this what the Queen would think? Is this what John A. MacDonald would think? Is this what the Premier or Prime Minister would think? Is this what my teacher would think? Did I even like my teacher?” and “Is this what I TRULY believe?
So, if we say, “People who can’t spell don’t deserve $15 an hour.”
“Is this what my ancestors would think?”
“Well, no, we didn’t even have a writing system. Our currency, for the most part, was food, wool-woven and cedar-woven blankets and regalia, jewellery, and products of craftmanship (i.e. canoes). Food was a right for all people. If someone was “rich” they would have owned the woven regalia and blankets and canoes. Everyone was expected to contribute, but it was understood that if you contributed you’d be well fed and aptly housed with your family within the longhouse. And, if you felt you could gain more esteem in the community, it would mean you would master a skill, like weaving, hunting, fishing, healing, longhouse building, canoe building, etc. That esteem was received by being exceptionally skilled. Example, if you were THE BEST canoe builder, and I wanted a canoe built by YOU. It would be expected that I have a lot to trade with you so I can obtain a canoe built by you. A young builder might just get food, and some materials for building tools maybe. But, a master canoe builder might get the same goods, but also some regalia, or baskets, perhaps some jewellery. Who knows, this is just my imagination based on what I’ve been taught.
So, if someone has a willingness to work, then they can be loved, respected, and provided for in an ancestral worldview (as I imagine it to be). Nobody goes without. It’s evidenced when someone in our community experiences a loss. They are encouraged NOT to work while grieving, and much is done for them – cooking, childminding, harvesting. It is understood that this will be returned to you someday.  So, no, this is not how my ancestors would think. We were all provided the chance to learn how to live on the lands we belonged to through learning the ways to harvest plants and animals, and were expected to help others in their times of grief or illness, and could expect help in return. The catch is, if you decide you don’t have to work, or support, or give away excess wealth, then you could be seen as a problem. However, this conclusion that you were either too greedy or too entitled was not came upon lightly.
I say the Queen, because she is the one who colonized Canada. She is still on Canadian currency. I believe it was my Grade 8 Social Studies class that informed me that the people sent to Canada were prisoners and the impoverished. If this is the case, I’m sure somewhere, there’s a document somewhere that has the Queen or one of her officials speaking to their own belief of these people – their own countrymen – as disposable. And, I’m sure they arrogantly cite illiteracy as one of many reasons they consider them useless and expendable.
John A. MacDonald was the first Prime Minister of Canada. He wanted to wipe out Indians and assimilate us into what he was taught was the “right” kind of culture of colonialism and colonial education and colonial identity. So, residential schools were created to make Indians like white people. And, he felt only white people should shape the minds of the Indian, because if they were allowed to be with their family, then they would never learn how to be white. I’m not joking, nor exaggerating. He enforced there was only one way in which people can learn and operate in his country, and if you conformed and assimilated to his idea of a proper colonial, then your life was, possibly, spared. This is proven by “enfranchisement” which basically stated that if an Indian were to gain a degree, join the military, or become a professional, for example by articling to become a Lawyer and taking the bar exam, then they must give up their Indian status in order to legally receive payment and operate as a businessman. So, basically, he set up this country on a foundation that there must be only one acceptable way of consuming education, and only one set of values must be upheld, and it’s very prescriptive and exclusionary.
I say the Premier or Prime Minister, because they’re the ones we rely on to govern our collective values as well as maintaining old (intentionally or unintentionally) outdated values. Are they saying they care about minimum wage? Are they doing something about it? If so, why? If not, why not? Do they feel like the collective of your province or country don’t believe that illiterate folks deserve a living wage? Are they maintaining capitalist ideals which keep the rich rich and the poor in poverty? Do we know the difference?
I say “What would my teacher think?” because my teachers spent more time with me than my parents did. And, my grade 2 teacher told me, “You’re late again Tiffany. You’re fired.” As a way to “teach” me that to work and function in the colonial society, I must always show up to work on time or I’ll be fired. Which basically teaches me that I cannot be on time for work if I cannot be on time for school. Is that real proof? Is that a real way to measure my success outside of school? It sure teaches students that. However, that’s not really how motivation works. We procrastinate for a lot of reasons, but I resisted school because it’s just not the right place for me to learn. I resisted school for a lot of reasons, self-esteem being a huge factor, but none of my teachers ever asked me why I had such low self-esteem. So, I don’t know if my teachers would agree with the idea that poor spelling = unworthy of a living wage, but I’m pretty sure they tow the line that supports that concept, whether they want to, or not. The education system has supported this idea for a long time. And, I’d like to think it creates a lot of inner conflict with at least some teachers.
And, I think the most important part to address is how did you feel about all these people??? For myself, for the longest time anytime I imagined Premiers or Prime Ministers thoughts or feelings on anything; I just felt this giant void in my heart. When I think of my grade two teacher, I feel like she definitely doesn’t align with what I FEEL to be true, but she lined up with THOUGHTS I had about myself and the world. She was mirroring my sense of self worth, and that’s important information to know. When I think of my ancestors, to be completely honest, back when I was a kid, it felt like their ideals on the world felt impossible, for even I lacked the amount of compassion my people seemed to hold, but also I was aware of the times they didn’t have compassion, but I’ve woven a story that the people who were held to the highest standards had the greatest consequences. If you were admittedly an average citizen, I feel like you were given more chances because you were honest enough to admit your flaws or shortcomings, and didn’t try to pretend to have esteem you didn’t have. And, even if you did, the proof would be in the pudding, so to speak. Our measure of wealth was how well you took care of yourself and your community. That’s something that’s hard to fake.  So, I’ve used that as a guide. I can also say that it did not support me in a loving way. It gave me self-esteem issues. I didn’t feel worthy. But, at least I know what creates limiting feelings inside.
So, whatever beliefs you come down to, just decide for yourself what feels right. The mistake we make as humans is we make a lot of decisions because we want to be good people. Even the gravest genocides were thought to be actions of what was “good” for everyone. Even insulting someone’s spelling ability is because we think we’re “good.” Some of us think that if we embarrass someone about their lack of ability, they’ll be motivated to become more able. However, that’s just not how motivation works. I don’t really honestly know how positive motivation feels, but I know if you try to insult me I’ll feel inclined to fight you or to never see your face again.
After sorting through all the influences, then it’s a matter of just sitting with yourself and having a conversation with yourself about all these people lol. Ask yourself what they taught you feels like a loving act. I think what feels loving is that we help people know their strengths. It’s important to keep the definition of worth and success as wide open as possible, so that the world is filled with people who love what they do. Ability to spell is not the only way we can assess someone’s worth. Learning how to read each other on an emotional level is so insanely necessary. It’s insane that we don’t know how to do this! If we did, we’d be able to be like, “Hey, you can’t spell fries, but you’d be really happy working in landscaping. When I look at your higher self you have grass-stained khaki overalls and dirt smeared on your face and you smell like roses.”
I wrote this blog to do my best to help people understand how my thought processes have worked throughout my life. I write this also, because I feel like I can jump to core beliefs or traumas on people and they’re like, “whaaa?” And since I don’t really know how to explain why I think what I think about people, this can show that I have spent a lot. of time. thinking. about a lot. of things. Lol. And this is the best way. This isn’t even taking into account the 1000s of potentials related to all of these things…. nor the tears shed when I would think about these things. But maybe that sort of comes through because I keep changing tense. Maybe I just confused you more. LOL.

Standardized testing in Kindergarten

You know what’s interesting… is that now it’s a lot more commonplace, apparently, for schools to be incorporating more standardized testing at earlier and earlier ages… according to ONE article I just read. Lol. But if this is true… that means that this practice has actually been something I experienced for as long as I can remember in the school system as an Indigenous person.

This could mean, that this is one more thing that the Government used Indigenous students as an experiment.

As an Indigenous student, I, and all my Indigenous peers, were called from a regularly scheduled day over the P.A. system: “All First Nations students please report to the cafeteria for the [insert name of standardized test’.”

Non-Indigenous parents are now feeling the frustration of your kid being subjected to the testing of IQ at a young age…

Sorry to tell ya, Indigenous kids have been experiencing this for at least the past 25 years. This is new to you in the 2000’s. I’m sorry. Your government never stopped its experiments on us.

Some people would say not to say sorry, but it’s authentic. I don’t want people to feel pity for my people for being the governments guinea pigs. I’m sorry that they have to suffer the same oppressions we’ve experienced for decades longer than they have. I’m sorry that they thought we were crazy when we were trying so damn hard to wake them up. I’m sorry that the chance to turn things around without a complete breakdown has passed. I’m sorry you listened to the oppressor instead of the revolutionary. I’m sorry you saw anger instead of the pain behind it. I’m sorry that you get the pain and anger on a very personal level. I’m sorry that it took you so long, because we’re all going through this shit now.

I hope to break myself free and my family free from this demonic system. Which sounds dark and extreme, but it’s true, and it’s not like I think it’s a scary monster, which it basically is… but it’s just like. “Let’s stop participating in this shitty system.” And, I think most people want to, but the desire to be socially acceptable is stronger. The thing is. People actually are looking for that refuge from the status quo. And I hope to find it or create it.

History

The loving people in my history taught me that no matter what’s going on in the world. Don’t lose yourself. Don’t lose your ways. 
When Europeans came here, my elders and ancestors had to live their lives watching everyone they loved drop like flies by the thousands. They had to grieve… Through our ways… They would’ve had rituals to follow and others would support them through that. But, everyone was grieving, and everyone needed support. 
And all they could do was make time to honour their feelings. But they also had to set them aside. Put it on a hook, they called it. They were very hard working people. They put down the grief, and picked up love for everything they had. And they’d work in mines. Work in forestry. Some, like my grandpa, managed to remain entrepreneurial. Men managed to fish… Women managed to knit and weave… But the oppressive system establishing itself was discriminatory. And didn’t want Indians to thrive. But they still didn’t lose their ways. They loved. They worked. They grieved. And loved some more. And they prayed. 
They prayed my generation didn’t have to have so much pain and loss. They prayed we could have the freedom to have a heavy heart and sit in that grief with the support of a community. Because they saw how many people had to bury it. And that’s heartbreaking to witness. They never lost their way, but they hoped to be strong enough to pass on strength for the future. They fought the battles worth fighting. They walked away from the hopeless fights. They celebrated each day. In the way they drank their tea. In the way they played on a soccer field, paddled a racing Canoe, carved into wood, wove strips of bark into baskets, knit wool into socks and sweaters. 
And all the while… The outside world has slowly slowly been awakening to the time of the world ending. 
The end of days started when Europeans brought their diseases, their vermin, and their pain… That’s centuries now that we’ve been in the apocalypse. 
But, we’ve just been evolving and growing and crying because we watched this pain unfold and spread. 
“Remember our ways” became our mantra. This world is not a place to fear. My body is not a place to fear. My mind is not a place to fear. All beings have life. All life are beings. “Remember our ways.” 
No soul is promised life unless they breathe life into themselves. 
Try as we might to save the ones who have lost their ways. Try as we might to breathe life into them. The best we can do is live in a good way.